Doing It Right!

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes. Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.

The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...

Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor. "How many poles did your group set?" He asked. "Two." Replied the Blonde forewoman.

"What! Just, two!" exclaimed the Supervisor. "The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?"

"It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us,"  replied the Blonde. "But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!"


Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

** He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

** He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

** He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger 'n lum'num foil

** He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

** He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

** He keeps a six-pack under his command chair

** He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

** He paints the starship John Deere green

** He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, 'n collards

** He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

** He refers to Klingons as "Critters"

** He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

** He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

** He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

** He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open a hailing frequency"

** He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

** He sets phaser to "Cajun"

** He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

** He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

** He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

** His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba

** His idea of dress uniform is *Clean* bib overalls

** His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

** You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

** Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month


It's Lonely At The Top

A bright young turk had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."



Rest In Peace...

The new business was opening and a buddy of one of the owner's sent some flowers for the happy occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the proud owner read the note which said, "Rest in Peace".

Now this really ticked him off, so he promptly called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and the bereaved there have flowers, also with a note, saying, "Congratulations on your new location."


Kids Books You'll Never Read...

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Katy Was SO Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"You Were An Accident"



Gifts for Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were

able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"


Whatever You Do, Do It Heartily...

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all

died and went to heaven together."Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later... St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."


On The Road Again...

As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, honey, I just heard on the news that there's some maniac in a car going the wrong way on 95... Please be careful!"

"Heck, Louise," said George, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"


You Are What You Are...

A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, "Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."


More Ways to say "No" OR "I'd Love To, But..."

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

... I have to fluff my shower cap.

... I have to fulfill my potential.

... I left my body in my other clothes.

... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

... I'll be looking for a parking space.

... I'm being deported.

... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

... I'm sandblasting my oven.

... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

... I'm worried about my vertical hold.

... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

... it's too close to the turn of the century.

... my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

... my plot to take over the world is thickening.

... my subconscious says no.

... none of my socks match.

... the grunion are running.

... the last time I went, I never came back.

... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.



The Very Bright Bird

This lady goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. She sees a parrot with a blue ribbon tied to its right leg and a pink ribbon tied to its left leg. She asks the owner the significance of the ribbons.

"Well, this is a highly educated parrot. You pull the blue ribbon, he speaks Yiddish; if you pull the pink ribbon and he speaks Latin," replies the owner.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious lady inquires with a smile...

"I fall off my perch you, bozo! Scraawwk!" replies the parrot.



PLEASE take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it IS Y2K compliant.

Word has it, if it isn't, come January 1, 2000, it WILL roll back to1900 and promptly turn into a Sears Catalog.


Bumper Stickers We'd Love To See....

** EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

** If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

** No, I don't have a license to kill...It's just a learners permit.

** Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

** Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

** Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!

** White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

** Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?


White Hair

One evening, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her lovely brunette head.

She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Mommy, you weren't a very good girl were you?"

Now why would you say a thing like that, honey?" asked her Mom.

"Well ALL grandma's hairs are white," came the reply.


Ways to say "No" OR "Oh I'd Love to but...

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

I have to floss my pets...

I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

It's my parakeet's bowling night.

My patent is pending.

The nice man on television told me to say tuned...


Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help....


Cognitive Testing...

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?"
"297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?"

"Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"


More Ways to Say 'No' ... or "I'd love to, but...

... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

... I feel a song coming on.

... I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

... I have to bleach my hare.

... I have too much guilt.

... I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...

... I never go out on days that end in "Y."

... I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.

... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

... I'm having all my plants neutered.

... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

... I'm too old for that stuff.

... I'm too young for that stuff.

... I'm touring China with a wok band.

... I'm trying desperately to be less popular.

... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

... My bathroom tiles need grouting.

... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

... My yucca plant is feeling yucky.


A Child's Wisdom...

** Don't sneeze when you're getting a haircut.

** Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

** If your sister hits you, don't hit her back...They always catch the second person.

** Most school lunches stick to the wall.

** Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

** Never hold a dustbuster and a kitty at the same time.

** No matter how hard you try, you can NOT baptize cats.

** Puppies always have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac.

** Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

** The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

** When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

** You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk very long.

** You just can't trust dogs to watch your food.


You're In The Army Now... So Please Remember:

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.

Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.

Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.

Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're not ready for them. b. When you're ready for them.

Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

When in doubt empty the magazine.


She'll Never Find It

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But, Mam, you are not wearing any of those things."

"True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry."


Is Your Mother Home?

A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Amazed, the salesman stammered, "Uh, is your Mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked off the ashes and asked, "What do you think, dude?"


Kids On Love

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)


So this guy is walking with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this: My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."


Thoughts for the Week...

** A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

** Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!

** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

** Clones are people two.

** COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

** Entropy isn't what it used to be.

** Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

** Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"

** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs

** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.

** I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

** Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.

** My reality check just bounced.

** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

** Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions? hypothetically...


More Ways to Say No, OR "I'd love to but....

... I have to go to court for kitty littering."

... I have to jog my memory."

... I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar."

... I have to rotate my crops."

... I have to sit up with a sick ant."

... I have to stay home and see if I snore."

... I have to study for a blood test."

... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner."

... I prefer to remain an enigma."

... I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here)."

... I'm going to be old someday."

... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush."

... I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me."

... I'm having my baby shoes bronzed."

... I'm trying to cut down."

... I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup."

... I've been traded to Cincinnati."

... My Dress For Obscurity class meets then."

... my favorite commercial is on TV."

... My uncle escaped... again."

... Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat."


Fessin' Up

A lone cowpoke rode into town and stopped at the local waterin' hole for a drink. The locals had a habit of picking on strangers and when finished his drink and headed out, his horse was missing...

He stormed back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, snatched it above his head without even looking and drilled three holes in the ceiling.

"Fess up! Which one of you sidewinders stole ma hoss?" he demanded with surprising forcefulness.

Silence... No one answered.... no one moved...

"Alright, I'm gonna have another cold one here, and if ole Blue ain't back out front BY THE TIME I'M DONE, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and there was ole Blue! He swings up into the saddle and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...I've got to know... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy reined in, turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


"On Sale Today!"

As she walked up to the store's fabric counter, a pretty  girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"On sale today, just one kiss per yard," replied the young gent behind the counter.

"That's fine," replied the young lady, flashing a gorgeous smile, "I'll take 12 yards."

 With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, turned to go and pointed to a little old man chewing tobacco beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said.


Such a Lovely Name...

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."

Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"

Bernie says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"

Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...

"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"


The Volunteer Fire Department

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions...Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.

Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."


Keeping Up With The Assignments...

Mr. Bledsoe, the biology instructor at a very posh suburban girl's school, inquired during class, "Miss Carson, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Whereupon, Miss Carson inhaled sharply, then said icily, "Mr.Bledsoe, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. Furthermore, I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that, young Miss Carson sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Bledsoe, amidst not a few snickers, called on Miss Turbeville, asking the same question. Miss Turbeville, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, sir; in dim light."
"Precisely," said Mr. Bledsoe, smiling his approval. "And now, Miss Carson, I have three things to say to you. Firstly, you have not studied your assignment. Secondly, you have a dirty mind. And thirdly, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."



Why English Teachers Are Important:

The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?


Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?




If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still these monkeys and apes?

Is it not true that those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mute shall swear, shall her mother wash her hands with soap?

Is it not cruel that the word "Lisp" has an "S" in it?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, shall we consider this a hostage situation?

Is there yet another word for synonym?

And why is it that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What shall you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

And if a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

What then, would a fly without wings be called... a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? It may be they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle hath not a shell, what then? Is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink after it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the driver's side of drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How is it that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks?

Tis true, Eagles may soar, but have you seen the weasel sucked into jet engines?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve

poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Fun Facts to Know and Tell About Your Fellow Americans...

Habitually Speaking

* 29% of us ignore RSVP's

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.... and 17% have been caught!

* 50% of us regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

* 75% of us store our dollar bills in order with ones going up to higher denominations.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.


Rolling down the Road

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 33% of us don't wear seat belts.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (what state is this? not around my way..)

* 66% of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 80% sing in the car. (yes, by themselves)


Livin' From Day to Day

* 10% are trilingual.

* 16% of us (ok, mostly men) have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped... 14% with the opposite sex.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.



During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....


A Few More About Lawyers . . . .

"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the baliff.

"Where did the cops find all those crooks?"

His Honor replied, "Harrison, the crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."


McPherson, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a woman on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When McPherson paid the corrupt juror, he asked her if she had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things her way.

"Yeah, it was tough there for a while..." the she replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."


Don't Despair

A parish priest was sitting at a window in the church one afternoon, reading a letter from a college friend. Upon opening it a $20 bill dropped out. The priest was delighted. But as he read the letter his attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed fellow leaning against a post in front of the church.

Brother Michael couldn't get him off his mind and, thinking that the poor fellow might be in financial difficulties, he took the $20 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which he had written, "Don't despair, Brother Michael," and tossed it out of the window to him.
He picked it up, read it, looked at the priest with a puzzled expression, tipped his well worn hat, and shuffled off down the street.

The following day brother Michael was saying his morning prayers when another priest informed him that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing him.

He went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for him. Without saying a word he handed Michael a roll of bills. When he asked what they were for, the fellow replied,

"That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 6 - 1."


The Wise Student

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of Shabat.

The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.
"Put these in your shoes my sons," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Teachings of Moses."

Towards the end of the week the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked exhausted. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Did you not do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."

"Of course I did Moishe," said the other. "After all, how could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."


How can I miss you if you won't go away?


With Apologies to the Blondes of the Species. . . .

Did you hear about the blonde sniffing nutrasweet? Yeah, she thought it was diet coke.

How can you tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? .....The M & M shells all over the floor.

How many blondes does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?.....100 ... 1 to stir ... and 99 to peel the M & M's.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? ...She kept throwing out the W's.

What do you call a blonde in the snow?.....A snow-flake.

What do you call a red-head between two blondes?..........An interpreter.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and the abominable snowman?......There have been sightings of the snowman.


All generalizations are false


Kids: Did they hear what you think you said?

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe.

They're always broke."

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On another occasion, this same little girl, was asked to draw her conception of the Hebrew children's flight into Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos, and one person up front without his halo. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that one there's Pontius, the pilot."



His kid may be an honors student, but he's still an idiot.


At The Office. . . .

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work... If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.


The Lord's Prayer, which runs. . .

"Our Father, which art in heaven. Hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtor. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever."

has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor pulpit communciators or from mumblers in the

congregations. One little fella prayed, "Harold be Thy name."

A little girl intoned, "Give us this day our jelly bread."

Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to, "Lead us not into Penn Station."


After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo, Brazil was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. . . .

One little fellow did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.

The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked St. Nick into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

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Heard Around the Office. . . .

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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So, we have enough youth already; how about a fountain of Smart?


Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

--- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** ---

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with his four and five year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," he asked "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest brother of three) piped out, "Thou shall not kill!"

--- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** --- *** ---

Keep honking... Keep honking... I'm reloading.


"Born free...Taxed to death"

`~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` ***

A rabbi who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the side door of a school. It had just been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk in the tray of the blackboard, so the rabbi took it and wrote in large letters, "I'm a rabbi and I pray for you all."

Now a lawyer happened to pass soon, and when he saw the rabbi's note, he added under it, "I'm a lawyer and I defend you all."

Then a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk and wrote on the blackboard, "I'm a doctor and I cure you all."

Finally an ordinary citizen stopped to read the growing list, thought for a few seconds and then added, "I'm just your average guy, and I pay for you all."

`~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` *** `~`~` ***

"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."


Seen on Trucks 'Round Town...

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"I brake for no apparent reason."

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Company Time

DaBoss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours.

WerkerBee: My hair grows during business hours.

DaBoss: But it doesn't all grow during business hours.

WerkerBee: And, I didn't get it all cut.

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Bulking Out

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.


On the Farm

It was little Harry's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Late one evening he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread beautifully in all its glory. Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for his grandma. . . .

"Oh, Granny, come see! Come see!" he exclaimed. "One of your chickens is in bloom!"

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 Model Citizen

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window. "Good afternoon sir".

"Good afternoon officer, any problems?"

"No sir, none at all. I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. You have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "Better Driving Program", I would like to present you with this check for $10,000.00."

The driver lets out a big sigh of relief....

"Wonderful good! Now I can finally pay for my driver's license."

Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes, "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense like that when he has been drinking...."

Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat, "You see, you see! And didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car again?"

About this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out, "So,are we over the border yet?"


"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Ah - Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Ah - Yep," the farmer said. "Them there are circle flies."

"What the heck's a circle fly?"

"The flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer.

"They be the circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Naw, I wouldn't," the farmer replied. "But you know, you just can't fool them flies. . . ."

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"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."


Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

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'Way Down here We Got Us 'Puters, Too! Yo ken B Sho' It's a Redneck's 'Puter If. . . .

Dem extra RAM slots got Dodge truck parts in 'em.

It's a camoflaged keyboard's.

That there monitor's up on blocks.

The numeric keypad goes up to six.

Password is "Bubba".

Six front keys have rotted out.

The varmint (mouse) is fulla buckshot holes.

dere's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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While On Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One night, after a long day's trek, deep in the jungle, his wife awoke with a start. Searching the camp she found her mother gone...

Rushing to her husband, she insisted they immediately go out and search for her dear mother.

Reluctantly, the hunter shouldered his carbine, took a swig of brandy, and led the way into the bush to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large lion stood facing her. . . .

The wife cried, "Darling, what are we going to do?"

"Be still..." said the hunter husband. "That lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

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Remember, one good turn gets most of the blankets.


What do you call a blonde with half a brain?


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The Hunters

Two blondes are walking through the woods and come upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said, no they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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So, how do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual"

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And Remember... A closed mouth gathers no feet.


You know, it's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

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A lady took her Rottweiler to the vet and said, "Doc, my dog here is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the lady.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog!



If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

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You Know You're Having A BAD DAY when....

-- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party....

-- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it....

-- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold....

-- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning....

-- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned....

-- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles....

-- Your horn sticks on the highway behind 32 Hell's Angels....

-- Your income tax refund check bounces....

-- Your twin forgets your birthday....

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"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."


Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

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Knowing the Future...

Benny: "Now you take my granpa, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Louie: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Benny: "A judge told him."

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Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

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Why don't you let blondes take coffee breaks?

Because it takes too long to retrain them.


Docktor! Did You Say wHat?

The following Mis-statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. Written by various health care professionals around the US, including (we're afeard) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."


Holiday Diet Rules - They Really Are Great!

(Good Year Round Really...)

Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies and popsicles.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories, e.g.' spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color without increasing caloric content.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner....

So encourage others to eat more... and more often...

In food used for medicinal purposes the calories NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are not part of one's personal fuel... merely entertainment

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. (see above, encouraging others)

So - Happy Holidays! Eat and Enjoy!



I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.



The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

After many weeks, he managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements.

Then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.

The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.

"Lord, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.

"But, how did you know I was here?" he asked.

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied. . . .

Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.


And finally, Be nice to your kids. . .

They'll choose your nursing home.


Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

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The Bunny and the Crow

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him: "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure little bunny, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Then the crow thought: "Ah, poor bunny rabbit, I forgot to tell him that if you want to do nothing. You must sit very high."

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Exercise? Oh, I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.


Look on the Bright Side

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em  too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"


No! I am not honking because I love Jesus -

I'm honking 'cause you can't drive!


I did NOT fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.


Bubba Makes A Phone Call

Bettye Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there. . . "


I took me an IQ test and the results were negative.


True, it's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

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You'll Never Hear Your Consultant Say Things Like...

.. Yes, you're right; we're billing way too much for this.

.. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added."

.. How about paying us based on the results and success of the project?

.. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read, let's see guess it was about five years ago. . .

.. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

.. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

.. Implementation? Quantified? I only care about writing long reports.

.. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department who had the idea. . .

.. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

.. Everything looks great to me. Keep doing what you're doing!

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Go for it!


I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."



"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway


"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

- Anonymous


"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

- Jeff Valdez


"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

- English proverb


"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

- Ellen Perry Berkeley


"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are devine."


"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message

and get back to you later."

- Mary Bly


"Teaching 4th Graders is like herding cats."

- Marian Wise


"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.

Cats have never forgotten this."

- Anonymous


"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They

are all owned by cats." - Anonymous


"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The

wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine


"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:

music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer


"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

- Colette


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous


"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

- Missy Dizick... heh, heh, heh...


"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."

- Colonial American proverb


"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."

- Joseph Wood Krutch


"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

- John S. Nichols


"Jerry dear said it was him or the cat.... I miss him sometimes."


ReALiTy |s ThE LeADiNg CauSe of STreSS aMoNG ThoSe |n ToUcH WiTh IT!


It's scary out there...

7 out of 4 people are schizophrenic.


Letters To The Landlord... They Really Said It...

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. "

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. ."

"The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?"

"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. "

"The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."


Pass on the right - driver chews.


Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


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Dressed to Kill

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then the little fellow pointed to the priest's white collar and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters and raised his eyebrows quizzically. The priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. . .

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A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

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Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.


Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

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Wrong Again, Sir!

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.


There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

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The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth...

Chief Grinding Bear says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

Little Beaver says, "No, my father, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

Grinding Bear says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father,

George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father say, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?'

Little George say-um, 'Cannot tell-um lie, Father. It is true, me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.'

Now Little Beaver, I ask-um you again... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

His son says, "Yes, my father, it is true, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The Chief proceeds to give-um big time spanking to his son.

Afterwards, Little Beaver says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth... why you give me big time spanking?"

"Ah, Little Beaver, Georgie's father, he not sit-um in cherry tree."


Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


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Popcorn was only 15 cents

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural county to the city to attend a movie...

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "You know, the last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself tonight! We have sound now."

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Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.


The IRS: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got!"

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You Must Have A Double

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?".

The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

Now a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, pipes up and says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".

The bartender's miffed and not impressed, says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy strolls into the bar.

The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender humbly replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is truly uncanny. You must have a double."

Whereupon the guy grins and says, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

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My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

The he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."


Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

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But I Didn't Do It!

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school the teacher punished me for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this right away! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

"My homework," she replied...

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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.


Get Up and Go To School!

Early one morning, a loving mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, dear. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.

And for another, you're the Principal!"


Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

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Lessons from Noah's Ark

Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board...but then so were the turtles.

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

Stay below deck during the storm.

The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

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During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out,

"Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my husband!"

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Give blood... Play hockey.



I break four liberals whenever possible.


Getting Things Straight

Two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing an old leather jacket that didn't have any buttons or a zipper.

Finally he pulled over and told his buddy, "I can't ride anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a second, his bud suggested, "Yo, it's like this... Put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting you straight on."

So they were driving down the road and they came whipping around a curb and spun out on an oil slick. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The duty officer asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his ole head around the right way . . ."


I'm not as think as you drunk I am.


Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.


Mother Knows Best

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Mary-Louise has been quite difficult...

Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

You were perfectly right.

You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Mary-Louise, your mother wants to talk to you!"


The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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A Wise Waitress...

An old Vermonter stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip. Three pennies.

On his way out the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "Mmmm, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

Curiosity getting the better of him, the gent turns 'round. "Oh, really?" says he. "Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, the first penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man mutters,

"Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Intrigued at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

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"I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband," a woman told her friend with a wink.

"We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare."


Signs of the Times:

On a ski lift:

"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

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Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.

Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

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Advertising a corporate wide skiing race:

Let's see who can go downhill the fastest!

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Seen in King's Canyon in California:

'Slow Parking Ahead'


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Two signs found on top of one another in a little country kitchen:


Please wait for hostess to seat you.

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Seen in a health food store:

"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head  Repeatedly with an organic carrot"

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"Children left unattended  Will be towed at parents expense"



A rabbi said to a six-year-old student of his, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Wonderful. What does she say to the Lord?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


Getting the Most out of The KGB

A phone rings at KGB headquarters. . . .

"Da, dis is KGB... What do you want"

"My neighbor Cherney Chekov is to be reported. He is conducting subversive activity. You will find proof as follows - He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"We have noted this and will take action."

The next day, a KGB squad arrives at Chekov's house. They search his woodshed where the firewood is kept, chop up every piece of wood...Finding no diamonds or other contraband, they swear at Chekov and leave.

Sometime later, the phone rings at Checkov's home. . . .

"So, my dear Cherney, tell me, did the KGB come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn.... I need my vegetable patch plowed."


You Know You're Having A Bad Day When....

** Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you know it looks awful.

** Nothing you own is actually paid for.

** The birdie singing outside your window is a vulture.

** You have to borrow from your Discover to pay your VISA.

** You put both contacts into the same eye.

** You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

** Your blind date turns out to be your ex . . . .

** Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to food.

** Your mother actually approves of the person you're dating.


BTW, Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?


Crooks Are Dumb" or . . . .

"Do The Crime and Do The Time"

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. . .

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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had . . . .

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Drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck . . . .

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R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for an armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri . . . .


Jesus Said, "Let the little children come unto Me..." And they do... all the time. . . .


A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes."

 When he concluded, his parents asked him why in the world he thanked God for the pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"


Tactics for Getting Rid of TeleMarketers...

Weird Questions ... Weird Stories?

** Are you from Seattle like the other slugs?

** By all means, I want your light bulbs. Send me 500 cases. My psychiatrist, my parole officer and my bankruptcy lawyer don't really mind if I buy some.

** Did you know that there is no "e" on the end of the words "potato" and "Mafia"?

** Do you like beets? You know I love beets. My mother got me started. Let me tell you about the time I went a week without them... Oh it was just awful. Are you still there? Good. Now the...

** Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone wire near your head?

** How do I know you truly are a handicapped veteran of the Spanish American War?

** If I drive the 150 miles to hear your time-share condominium pitch, will you give me a tire pump to inflate my free six-man sport fishing boat? Or can I just use your mouth?

** It is a felony is some states to make telephone calls without knowing the meaning of the word "driffle." Please define it now.

** The dinner hour is not set aside for sales, unless you have prior permission from the State Department of Suckers. Thank you and goodbye...

** The State Tax Commission does require me to ask you for your official identification number as a Certified Public Fast Talker. That number please?


You KNOW You're Having A Bad Day When...

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

The doctor tells you are in fine health...for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.


Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. None of them... since none of them exist.


The Three-Legged Chicken

Bernard was driving along a country road when and realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 40 m.p.h.

Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about this wonderful chicken. The farmer replied, "Well now, when I was at the college I took up a studyin' at there gee-netics. 'Round here we love chicken and we're all mighty partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make me a three-legged chicken. So, there 'tis."

Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"

The farmer replied, "Well, that's the durndest thing. Ah don't know. Ain't none of us been able to ketch one a the varmits yet."


We're All Bozos on This Bus...

Take the Test... Answers Tomorrow

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President's name in 1950?



BTW, A Joke is Below...

Answers to Test and Scoring guide:

20 Correct - Genius

17 Correct - Above Normal

15 Correct - Normal

8 Correct - Nincompoop

6 Correct - Little Bozo

3 Correct - BIG BOZO...

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1. Yes

2. One

3. All of them (12)

4. The beggar is her sister.

5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.

6. 6

7. No - because he is dead.

8. They aren't playing each other.

9. 70

10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.

11. 2

12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)

13. The match.

14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.

15. 1 Hour

16. 9

17. None - Noah took them on the ark.

18. Meat

19. 12

20. Bill Clinton - Same as it is today...


Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony?

A. Unemployed.


Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?

A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.



Good News and Bad News....

After submitting to X rays, EKGs, MRIs, blood tests, and a host of other diagnostics, the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion.

"Well Ellie," the physician began, "I have good news and bad news."

"So, what's the good news, already?"

"My daughter has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine."

"Yes, that's wonderful! And the bad news?"

"You're going to pay for it."


Smell The Coffee ...

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. And, when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement there were three of little green army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

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What You DON'T Want To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant

** A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?

** Ah fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.

** All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

** HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

** How come all the big shots are leaving?

** I used to work at Chernobyl.

** Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?

** Is this part really necessary?

** It's Russian technology.

** NO, It was YOUR turn to wax the core.

** OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.

** Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

** Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?

** This whole plant will be running under Win2000 tomorrow.

** Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?

** We got 12 seconds to WHAT????

** Well... Look at the good news: we are finally going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

** Who forgot to pay the water bill?


So why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?


First Day of School

Little Benny came home from his first day of school and said "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"


An upscale thief, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to hit the safe in a store. One the safe door he was delighted to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. . .

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Alas, my confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."


Random Thoughts... Random Access...

So, did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? BUT, when you take him for a ride in a car he sticks his head out the window. . .

And have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot... BUT anyone going faster than you is a maniac. . .

You know you have to stay in shape. Take my grandmother, for instance... She started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. . .

Me? I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. aahhh....

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Plan for the Future....

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.

He said, "Will, what will ? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."


Back to School Science You Won't Believe...

The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests, and essays. Enjoy...

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "


What Pentagon officials say -And what they really mean:

Essentially Complete

It's half done


Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:

100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.


Potential show stopper:

The team has updated their resumes.


Serious but not insurmountable problems:

It'll take a miracle...

Basic agreement has been reached:

The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:

We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review:

7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:

Nobody's even thought about it; nobody has a clue.

Still analyzing the requirements:

See previous answer: "Not well defined at this time...:

Not well understood:

Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore

Requires further analysis and management attention:

Totally out of control!

Results are promising:

Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...


Checking Meters

Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I just knew I'd better run too!"


The Resourceful Blonde

It was a hot and humid August afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Blonde and beautiful and resourceful, Susie had decided to repaint her kitchen herself instead of hiring a professional.

I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold drinks and some sandwiches.

When I arrived, I found Susie working hard, painting the kitchen walls. To my utter amazement, instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.

There was the explanation for me in black and white. It said..."For best results, put on two coats."


A Really Speedy Cyclist!

So this guy decided that he was going to ride a 15 speed mountain bike from Flagstaff to Phoenix. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains did him in and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after an hour, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a lady in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.

The lady owner of the Corvette happened to have a coil of rope in the car and tied one end to her bumper, the other to the bike and told the our optomistic cyclist that if she got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that she would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 45 miles. Suddenly, another 'Vette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had not one, but 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And Louie, you're not gonna to believe this, but there's guy on a bike honking to pass".


The Prison Life vs The Regular Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three hots and a cot...

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.


In prison you get time off for good behaviour...

At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.


In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you...

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.


In prison you get your own private restroom...

At work you have to share.


In prison they allow your family and friends to visit...

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.


In prison you can watch TV and play games...

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required...

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.


In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out...

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.


In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time...

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.


In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic...

At work we have managers.


Mastering the Basics...

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

"Port Left, Starboard Right"


Keeping it Clean

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When putting it on in the ladies room they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 3 p.m. They gathered promtly at 3 and found the principal and the school janitor waiting there for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the Mr. Jones to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

Mr. Jones then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to scrub off the lipstick.

Then he turned to his shocked audience and smiled, "Any questions?"

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!


Define Your Terms...

"Let us establish some parameters," said the professor,

"Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied Bennett.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?"

"Elation, sir."

"And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up, sir....."


Job Applicants - Everything is Relative...

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant are applying for for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathemetician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly, definitively, always!" Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, in most instances... four."


Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "Well sir, with your current goals, tell me, what do you want it to equal?"


Advancing to the Top

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you go in your organization?"

The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"But, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"Now, if all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest.

"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating just a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but the odds there ..."

So the Rabbi interjects, "And could you be anything higher than that? What is there higher than the Pope?"

"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"

The Rabbi leaned back, smiled, and said, "Well you know, one of our boys made it..."


The Right Choice

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Thomas and Peter. Both graduated with highest honors. Both came from excellent families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken.

Finally, the senior partner had to make a decision, so she took each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, she chooses Peter.

Baffled, Thomas takes Peter aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Ms. Stein asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, and that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell her?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Thomas replies.

"Your hands? What the heck do you mean?"

"Well, I took a long look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"


Dave, sorry I couldn't resist this one:

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.


These have been around for a while, but still are a good laugh...

Actual Accident Summaries

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.


Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.


I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.


The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.


The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.


In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.


The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.


I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.


The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.


I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.


As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.


My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.


I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.


I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.


The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


Bumper Stickers Seen From Near to Far

** When there's a will, I want to be in it!

** Few women admit their age, Few men act it!

** I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

** Sometimes I wake up grumpy...

(Other times I let her sleep)

** I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

** IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

** How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

** We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

** Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


The Male of the Species....

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who

is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?

A. In the pages of a romance novel.


Q. Why do men like smart women?

A. Opposites attract.


Q. How do you scare a man?

A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.


Q. What food best describes most men?

A. Jerky.


Q. How is a man like a used car?

A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

The Hamster and Frog

A down and out looking character strolls into a bar and orders a drink. Sizing him up, the bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but tell you what, if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"No problem!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a furry little hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, hops to the floor, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing some great Scott Joplin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy downs the drink. "How about another."

"Cash or another good trick, or no drink", says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and this time pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch.

Now a stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $500 for the frog, pulling out 5 crisp $100 dollar bills.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the five hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy "What! Are you nuts? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Ah, not so", says the guy. "The hamster on yonder piano, is also a ventriloquist!"


Having A Really Bad Day

So, there's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink... staring into the glass... deep in thought  He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs the drink, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said they could do nothing. So, I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And then I was finally going to end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison..."


One For Me, One For You...

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.

The priest explains, "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The minister says, "Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims, "Brothers we are in agreement! I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can keep..."


Advice from Mom

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boy friend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."


At The Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" hmmmmm.........


What You May Not Know 'Bout Noah....

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?

Noah was sitting on the deck


What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?

"Now I herd everything"


Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?

They kept saying neigh


What animal could Noah not trust?

The cheetah


What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights


Who was the first canning factory run by?

Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs


Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?

No, he came forth out of the ark...


The Eye of the Beholder

A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something....

"Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?"

The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here."

The little lady stared at the rug for several minutes.

Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly, "Well, It doesn't make me sick."



Main Entry: ox·y·mo·ron

Pronunciation: "äk-si-'mOr-"än, -'mor-

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural ox·y·mo·ra /-'mOr-&, -'mor-/

Etymology: Late Greek oxymOron, from neuter of oxymOros pointedly foolish, from Greek oxys sharp, keen + mOros foolish

Date: 1657

a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness)

- ox·y·mo·ron·ic /-m&-'rä-nik, -mo-/ adjective

- ox·y·mo·ron·i·cal·ly /-ni-k(&-)lE/ adverb

Here are 25...

Act naturally

Advanced BASIC

Airline Food

Almost exactly

Alone together

British fashion

Business ethics


Exact estimate

Found missing

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Government organization

Legally drunk

Living dead

Military Intelligence

New classic

New York culture

Resident alien

Same difference

Sanitary landfill

Silent scream

Small crowd

Soft rock

Software documentation

Sweet sorrow


"Now, then ..."

Synthetic natural gas

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet icecream

Rap music

Working vacation

Religious tolerance

And a favorite for all...

Microsoft Works


They Really Said It! Headlines without Editors...

** Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

** Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

** House passes gas tax onto senate

** Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

** Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

** Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

** William Kelly was fed secretary

** Milk drinkers are turning to powder

** Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

** Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

** Farmer bill dies in house

** Iraqi head seeks arms


Lack of Appropriate Grammar Confuses the Issue:

** Eye drops off shelf

** Squad helps dog bite victim

** Dealers will hear car talk at noon

** Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

** Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

** Miners refuse to work after death

** Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

** Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter


No, They Didn't Mean THAT, Really!

** Never withhold herpes from loved one

** Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

** Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

** Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better


Well Duh... OR Doesn't It Seem Obvious...

** If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

** War dims hope for peace

** Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

** Cold wave linked to temperatures

** Child's death ruins couple's holiday

** Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

** Man is fatally slain

** Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

** Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation


Irish Wisdom

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Just plant your potatoes."


What To Wear To An Audit...

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemna.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."


Bumper Stickers - The Proverbs of Life....

** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

** A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

** A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

** A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...And This Kitchen Is Delirious

** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

** Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

** Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

** Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

** No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


Mommy's Lil' Helper

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"



The Blue Light Special

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishin pole. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and ambles on over to the register. There is a K-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this here fishin' pole?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

Then he said, "Well that there's a 5' graphite composite rod. Has a Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's yours for just $20 bucks".

"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Sounds like what I'm looking for, so I'll take it," she says.

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind rather loudly...

Embarrassed at first, but then realizing that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she... being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "Well mam, That'll be $25.50."

She says, "But you said it was $20 bucks?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure 'nuff... and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light special this hour, just $2.50!"



Dogs work well together.

Dogs work for the good of the pack.

Dogs protect their young and their elders.

Dogs won't spend money redecorating the White House.

Dogs do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews.

Dogs' clothes don't have zippers or pockets.

Dogs do not kill indiscriminately.

Dogs do not lie, cheat or steal.

Dogs don't indulge in fantasies.